Getting Over Being Horse Crazy: The Healing of a Broken Heart

Did you ever know someone who was so totally horse crazy you almost couldn't stand it? Well let me tell you that I was that person. I was horse crazy. It started young. Really young. I was about 18 months old and sat on my first pony at a fair or park or something of it's kind and that was it. Smitten. 

From that point forward I dreamt horses day and night. I drew them in church and school and at home. I loved being in the car as a child because I would imagine horses running next to it through fields and leaping gracefully over driveways (OK a bit far fetched). Those daydreams of horses filling my head made every road trip a breeze. Toys: Horses. Books: Horses. Movies: Horses. Magazines: Horses. Pictures on my wall: Horses. The best birthday present I ever received was 10 horse back ridding lessons and a lead line. I worked at the barn cleaning. I cleaned other people's houses. I baby sat. Every extra penny I made went to horses.

Then my Junior year of high school I could start researching for college and I found out you could attend college for HORSES! I poured over schools I could attend and even went and looked at a few. However, my parent's had concerns. Little did they know the bottom was going to fall out of the economy and no job would be secure, but they worried that I couldn't make a living with horses. At the time horses made up a $6 billion dollar a year business in the USA but I had only seen small dingy a part of it. Perhaps if my parent's had seen other sides of the horse industry at the time they would have understood, however they didn't see well groomed dressage horses or clean, clipped hunter jumpers in heated stalls with automatic waterers. Nope. They saw a down in the dumps, crappy, not really successful, Saddle Seat barn. (Sorry Saddle Seat people I still LOVE Saddlebreds!) 

Honestly, if I wasn't so horse crazy I would have noticed too. At least noticed why they were concerned. So my senior year my parent's put the kabosh on college with horses. Gosh, if I had known better I would have still chosen a school with a ridding team but my hopes and dreams were well intentionally crushed. Before I go farther I just have to say this hatch has been long dead and buried with my parents. They are great, amazing people who wanted the best for their kid and what parent doesn't!?! But again, I think they and I would have both done things differently. 

Well talk about a broken heart. It truly messed me up to not be able to pursue my dreams. My life long love. Something I was certain I could be good at and succeed at. The only thing I had ever wanted or imagined myself doing. I skipped from college to college, suffered from depression (there is more to that story: my depression is related to my candida but I just didn't know it at the time), and couldn't finish or follow through on anything. Fast forward to working my first real and decent paying job. I had been able to be around horses through some volunteer hours at a local therapeutic ridding program. Time had passed and I had begun to heal. This time and opportunity really helped sooth those broken pieces. Almost like I was getting a second chance at my dreams. 

Then a friend from the therapy program called me and frantically told me that there was an amazing horse that they had considered for the program but didn't make the cut that was going to slaughter. She begged me to co-own this horse and I agreed sight unseen. Wow, did God really bless me. It could have been a disaster buying a horse I had never seen before but for $200.00 I was able to own my first horse. She was so worth it and more. In the long run, I ended up owning her solo and in the process I met my husband. He also had a horse at the barn that I boarded. Together we worked hard to afford our horses. Things started to turn rotten in the economy (although I don't think anyone knew yet how bad it would get) and we sold his horse and kept mine working around the barn to help pay off some of the board. 

However, we owned a house that needed a lot of work, had a wedding to pay for, and I had lost my job for 6 months. Things started to get tighter and tighter and at the same time we started having trouble with people at the barn. We tried leasing my horse to help off set the costs of keeping her and that was the final straw. The drama that ensued from that point on was so extreme that at one point I was throwing up in my kitchen because of how very stressed I was. It couldn't continue. I had to let my dream go. We couldn't afford the insanity any more than the financial responsibility of owning a horse. We wanted to have a family. We wanted to slim our expenses so that in the not to far future (now!) we could have me be a stay at home mom. 

I made the hard choice and let my beautiful, sweet, wonderful horse go. She is now a pasture mate of two other horses and two goats and is very, very, very, happy. I have to tell you though that it took me a considerable amount of time to not drive by the horse trails, horse barn, routes I took after work to go to the horse barn with out an immense amount of pain and sadness. A wonderful, brand new baby helped sooth that pain and fills my world with joy. The acking for my horse has subsided and I have begun (almost two years after retiring my horse) my final steps of purging the horse craziness. I have cleaned up my horse tack and equipment. Sorted it. Stored what I would keep. Sold what I would sell. And I am closing the book on owning a horse. 

A draft pony however, for Wade and the garden... now that would do nicely! Come on Berea, please?

Dedicated to Summer and Freckles. Thank you "ponies" for getting Gary and I together and for all the beautiful memories we shared. Love you always.

Sunday Afternoon

This is my house:

Yup. That is my living room right now. Laundry, baby toys, messy files, part of my couch, a heat lamp, temporary table for starting seeds, dust, dirt, mess. 

Yup. This is me smiling with Wade about my mess. I am actually smiling about my mess. This is a huge step for me and this is why:

I used to live here (years ago) but it is an example of ever place I lived before I got married, a teenage stepson, a cat (I have always had a cat), two dogs (that live inside), a "suburban farm", and a baby. You can clearly see why I might have a nervous breakdown about my current living situation. Then again it is only temporary and not worth the headache. I don't even panic anymore when people come over (almost).

In other news:

Progress! The wilderness is getting tamed and we have about two years worth of firewood for the garage. If only I had a wood burning stove to heat and cook in the house.

How was your Sunday?

Homemade Non-Dairy Creamer

Good Saturday morning. You are just in time to join me for a cup of coffee.

But what is coffee without cream? And when I say cream I mean the real deal. Not that overly sweet flavored stuff but the heavy whipping cream that coffee dreams are made of. Coffee is nearly impossible without it in my book.

Until recently.

I have always been able to splurge now and then with dairy but as I become more aware of the foods I eat and how my body reacts to them, my diet continues to change. So coffee is now a once a week thing and a small 6 oz cup at that. And cream? Forget it, unless I want to spend the afternoon folded in half and writhing in pain. No thanks. Especially when I found this substitute.

Homemade Non-dairy Creamer

1 1/2 cups non-dairy milk (I used almond)

1/4 cup light oil

a couple drops of vanilla

a sprinkle of sugar, if you like it sweet, I don't

If the thought of drinking milk and oil grosses you out take look at the ingredients of those store bought creamers! Yuck! Continue...

Pour 1/4 cup of the milk into your blender (I used my Vitamix) and turn it on to aerate the milk. Then add the oil, slowly in a thin stream. Blend on high for 30 seconds. Add the rest of the milk and flavorings. Blend on high for 45 seconds. Pour into a clean glass jar and store it in your fridge.

Enjoy with a fresh pot of French press coffee.

This stuff is incredible. Tastes just like melted ice cream. I don't miss cream a bit when this is in my coffee... and my belly likes it too!

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Today we were supposed to be enlarging the chicken coop and framing in a couple raised beds for some new fruit trees and shrubs coming soon. Yesterday, beautiful Ohio weather. Tank tops and bare feet. Today? Sleet, grey skies, mud boots and heavy socks. I hate socks.

Ohio... sigh... Ohio...

Good Food Friday: Lemon Bars

I've been trying to make the switch from chocolate desserts to, well, anything else. Not that I don't adore my dark chocolate treats, but my taste buds are beginning to realize there are other sweets that are chocolate-free and yet equally delicious.

Lemon is my next favorite but quickly and easily inching to the top spot, especially with yummy stuff like these (and maybe a little bit because they are yellow, my fav!). In fact, these lemon bars are replacing my standard party contribution of brownies this year. Oh my, they are easy and impressive! The ideal ratio of sweet to tart and a super smooth filling make this a perfect spring dessert.

Lemon Bars (with gluten free/ dairy free modification)

Ingredients:

Crust

• 1 3/4 cup flour ( I used 1 1/2 cups rice flour, 1/4 cup tapioca -- gluten free!)
• 2/3 cup powdered sugar
• 3/4 tsp salt
• 1 stick butter (I used Earth Balance Buttery Sticks -- dairy free!)
• 3 tbsp applesauce

Filling

• 4 eggs, lightly beaten
• 1 1/3 cup sugar
• 3 tbsp flour (I used rice flour -- gluten free!)
• 2 tsp lemon zest from two large lemons
• 2/3 cup juice from 4 large lemons, strained
• 1/3 cup (soy, rice, almond, cow) milk
• pinch salt

Directions:

• For the crust -- Butter 9X13 baking dish. Combine flour, powdered sugar and salt in a bowl. Rub butter into flour mixture until it resembles a coarse crumb. Add applesauce and mix. Press mixture into baking dish and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

• For the filling -- Preheat oven to 350*. Whisk eggs, sugar and flour in medium bowl. Then stir in lemon zest, juice and salt.

• Bake crust for 20 minutes at 350*. Remove from oven and lower temperature to 325*. Stir egg mixture and pour into hot crust. Place back in oven for about 20 minutes. Cool on wire rack until nearly room temperature, at least 30 minutes. Dust lightly with powdered sugar.

(recipe modified from The Best Recipe, of cooks illustrated)

Are they not gorgeous? (Yours will look even better if you can wait until they are cool to cut them. I couldn't.) Much more sophisticated than a boring cookie but no more effort than a pan of brownies. See, you may become a lemon fan too! So how about it, give the chocolate a break and lemons a try?

I'm loving lemons so much in fact that I am getting this cute thing! I'll let you know how it goes...

How about you... do you reach for a chocolate or lemon dessert, or just dessert in general?

Ordered

Fermenting. Real Food. Traditionally prepared food. Preserving. These phrases are everywhere. I ferment veggies for the first time this winter and discovered that many, many other people are fermenting veggies for the first time or should I say the first time in a long time. Well good for us.

The lovely jarred veggies are from my first experience fermenting and I have to tell you I am dying to repeat it. Well it won't be long now until I am making more fermented veggies, kefir, and kefir water. All kinds of nutritionally filled long lost goodness will be filling my refrigerator and pantry.

My starters have been ordered. As I learn I hope to understand the processes better and be able to fine or make my own starters for free or cheap but we all have to start somewhere. I promise to share what I learn with everyone who will listen. Until then I have purchased from Culture for Health and those wonderful little boxes of magic shipped today! 

Here is to celebrating baby steps to better health and better for you food.